The grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men;
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he marched them down again.

And when they were up, they were up,
And when they were down, they were down,
And when they were only half-way up,
They just sat there and complained about army rations, bad pay and lack of paid leave, terrible working conditions in which they were constantly in danger of losing their lives, lousy clothing, boots that weren’t equipped for even the mild English winters and ridiculous “orders” from the top that made them just walk up and down the same bloody hill all day long when they’d much rather be taking some other army on…

[lobotoblog comment] Of course what this well-known poem forgets to mention is that following this mass sit-in the Duke of York was promptly sacked for insubordination and “giving stupid fucking orders”;  the men got a 3% pay-rise out of the British Government; and rations slightly improved as shown below :

If lobotoblog could take a cream pie in the face from anyone, it would have to be from Jens Lehmann, Germany’s favourite comedian, second-best clown and occasional member of the world-famous troupe of Jerry jesters, The Lehmann Brothers, currently defunct.

Jens has always occupied a special place in lobotoblog’s heart, especially after he was caught trying to hide the clown shoes of Germany’s top clown, Oliver Kahn, during the run-up to the Custard Pie Cup. Jens’ recent performance just goes to show that his genius in the art of buffoonery is in no way diminished. His pies are to be savoured, preferably with some nutmeg or lemon meringue.

Jens, we salute you

Photo credit : Yappa

Ttttttttteeeedddddddddddddd Hankeyyyyyyyy!

Ted Hankey!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen: Ted Hankey!

Photo credit : PA Wire Sports Photos

Some wabsite called Diggers wrote to lobotoblog.com yesterday asking for questions to Tony Hawk , the famous Swedish ballerina. So here at lobotoblog we have prepared a few:

“So Tony, is your real name Anthony?”

“When did you realise that you wanted to be a ballerina, was this before or after the Swedish civil war?”

“If you weren’ t a Hawk then what you prefer to be : a kestrel or a small field falcon?”

“How many bones - including small stress fractures but excluding ribs - have you broken on the right side of your body?”

“Would you have a lobotomy for 10£million?”  [remember, £ is worth more than $ so its an interesting question...]

“Is it true that you are the secret lovechild of Tony Knowles, the suarve-ladies-man British champion snooker player from the 1980s?”

“Do you say “scones” as in “scoanes” or “scones” as in “sconnes”?”

hallo lladiesh

Trying to sling a pair of big hairy sweaty bags over your shoulder on your way to work every morning is courage enough. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

General Relativity explains loads of things - from black holes, the start of the universe, the curvature of space-time, through gravity waves and tidal effects, culminating in strange side effects like train timetables and how spiders manage to get into your bathtub.

Many people believe that Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity is extremely hard to understand and fathom for the average layman. However, we have looked at a few equations here at lobotoblog.com and we reckon we’ve come up with a good thought experiment that will make it easier for our readers to understand.

All you need to get started is to fathom the following easy markers :

1. Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light APART FROM a really quick train. [This will become apparent for the thought process example below]
2. Your experience of general relativity is only, indeed, relative. You dont care to what it is relative, only just that it is relative and in relative terms to its own relativity.
3. Balls only bounce up and down perfectly in trains

Thought process example

Now taking into account the 3 definitions above we are able to apply them to a simple thought pattern. Imagine you are standing on a platform. A train goes by at almost the speed of light. Inside the train there is someone bouncing a ball, and inside the ball there is a light which is emitting light in each direction.

What do you see standing from the platform?

Well, you should expect to see the light from the ball as single ray of light. But because you are standing relatively to the person bouncing the ball, and because this ball is bouncing relatively to the train (which is moving relative to the speed of light, well, almost) then you only get a relative amount of light from the ball. You will therefore only be able to see half of the ball - and a different half in each directional bounce.

Its easy

It may also seem to you that the train is moving backwards in time and that the ball is bouncing only upwards. Do not worry about this phenomenon, its just because at speeds like this your retina cannot move quickly enough to see the “real” ball, and not Heisingberg’s Uncertain Balls (dont worry about this too much, just look at the photo and you’ll get it…). Einstein had the same problem and had to get himself fitted with special glasses to counter-balance this.

Now for practical usage…

If you have mastered the above - and Im sure you have - then why not try it out on some pratical everyday usages, such as:

• Popping balloons in order to kickstart your motorbike
• Jumping up and down on the spot (quite quickly - see above)  to power your central heating system
• Running through walls by first throwing your cat at the wall
• Slapping yourself with a sodden towel to speed up your digestive system (an excellent spin-off that one)

A few months ago lobotoblog was involved in a nasty car accident. We managed to track down a film of it :

Fortunately thanks to the wonders of modern medicine we survived with only a few scratches and a busted GPS. Our medical team would not let us update lobotoblog during our conval-essence.

But now we are ready to rumble.

So we wanna see them comments coming in quicker than you can skin Jack Robinson.

Richard Of York Gained Battles In Vain  [the stupid fucker, much easier to win em and win em well]

Rabbits Over Yonder Get Big Insurance, Vindicated

Royal Opera Yearns Grappling Bazookas I Vouch?  [need the ? here otherwise it dont make any sense...]

Rubbish Onions Yoke Good Brains In Vodka  [who?]

Rock Off You Grovling Bastard Idiot Velcromeister

These days loads of people are asking us here at lobotoblog what the best of these 2 systems is. For some this is even a question of life or death. So we thought we’d run you through the merits of each and you can make your own minds up before you put it into practice.

442

442 is the equivalent of cellulite, it gives you extra fatness. If you have wings then you could even say that it gives you width. You’ve also got 2 up there to give you more of a battering ram. You need to be careful not to un-pack the middle too much as you might get flooded out.

433

Sounds nice, looks good, but its a load of crap and opens you up on the sides and leaves  your panties exposed. Only use this system if you think you are cool, or if you are Italian and very very on-the-backfoot

Other loboto systems

451 = really big buttocks but only 1 target up where you need it. Patience is the key here.

235 = scrawny thighs and a flappy arse, but cast your eyes up to the top deck and you’ll be overwhelmed by the view. If the Egyptians had made pyramids like this, they’d be bathing in Blatter milk, with World Cup cream all over them.

4231 = in 2d view its looks like an overweight bear,  but its useful for a quickie.

Total system = this is a mixture of everything and you are said to be so good at each that it doesnt matter, see below:

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