Your honor, the defendant was suggestively licking and sucking on a large cylindrical object – quite clearly as a solicitation of the services he was prepared to exercise upon my very person in exchange for monies.  I therefore took it upon myself to stamp on his testicles – good and hard!

Say it with a clenched fist and gritted teeth. Most effective if it is whispered agressively.

Not to be confused with some Soho marketing twat’s idea of cool ‘lads–pub-speak’.
The examples shown here and here should be taken out the back door and shot in the alley.

A few months ago lobotoblog was involved in a nasty car accident. We managed to track down a film of it :

Fortunately thanks to the wonders of modern medicine we survived with only a few scratches and a busted GPS. Our medical team would not let us update lobotoblog during our conval-essence.

But now we are ready to rumble.

So we wanna see them comments coming in quicker than you can skin Jack Robinson.

Richard Of York Gained Battles In Vain  [the stupid fucker, much easier to win em and win em well]

Rabbits Over Yonder Get Big Insurance, Vindicated

Royal Opera Yearns Grappling Bazookas I Vouch?  [need the ? here otherwise it dont make any sense...]

Rubbish Onions Yoke Good Brains In Vodka  [who?]

Rock Off You Grovling Bastard Idiot Velcromeister

Woe betide you if she puts on her Fort Knox knickers.

Oddjob would have eaten his hat in exasperation if he’d come across a safe that hard to crack.

Can't get past those bars

Photo credit

What a complete, total, categorical, consummate, downright, dyed-in-the-wool, impeccable, out-and-out, outright, perfect, positive, sheer, thorough, thoroughgoing, unblemished, unconditional, unmitigated, unqualified, whole, LOAD OF BOLLOCKS.

That is all I can say about that.

For those of you that know this number, please sing along to the melody of  “oh when the saints” :

The Westwood Bop
The Westwood Bop
The Westwood Bop is wonderful
It’s full of shit, piss and vomit
The Westwood Bop is wonderful (oh yay!)

lobotobopper

Photo credit

Here at lobotoblog we are being sticklers for correct usage of the Queen’s English.

We are bearing our witnesses to be seeing - in these times we call “modernistic” - a ridiculous overuse of the present continuous tense. In some circumstances the present continuous can be very much being a good tense to be using but in others it is downright smacking in the face of ridiculounesses and stupidities.

So being heeding please our words of warning and please be refraining from the usage of this temporal constructions.

Thanking your kindess, indeed.

What is happiness? For centuries, scientists and philosophers have grappled with this question. Lobotoblog had a couple of minutes spare, and decided it boiled down to just one thing.

Fecal irregularity.

With this in mind, we’ve decided that a cut-out-and-keep digestion reading scale would provide our readers with a handy guide to how happy they are feeling that day.

We need to you to help us fill in the scale with appropriate readings (starting from A to Z).

For example:

B = Bloated corpse (digestive tract non-functional - not a happy chappy)
T= Total colonic irrigation (that marble you swallowed as a kid is finally out - attaining nirvana)

That leaves quite a lot of letters that need a definition.

Lobotoblog will give a special prize for the best definition of the letter A.

If you’ve ever played cricket then it more than likely means that you were born and brought up in a country belonging to the Commonwealth.

Cricket is fab. But it can also be very dangerous.  You have to stand up to a very hard small leather (composite-filled) ball that is thrown at you at speeds of up to 100mph. If it hits you it hurts. Really hurts. See these incidents below (an advert for beer!)

So of course you are well protected. Professional cricket players have pads to cover the whole of the leg, rib protection, arm pads, special gloves, a helmet, as well as extra thigh pads and reinforced steel toe caps in their boots.

Read the rest of this rubbish »

« Older Entries