Chicken Noodle Mama

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Tesco Value Papa

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Bastard offspring :

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General Relativity explains loads of things - from black holes, the start of the universe, the curvature of space-time, through gravity waves and tidal effects, culminating in strange side effects like train timetables and how spiders manage to get into your bathtub.

Many people believe that Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity is extremely hard to understand and fathom for the average layman. However, we have looked at a few equations here at lobotoblog.com and we reckon we’ve come up with a good thought experiment that will make it easier for our readers to understand.

All you need to get started is to fathom the following easy markers :

1. Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light APART FROM a really quick train. [This will become apparent for the thought process example below]
2. Your experience of general relativity is only, indeed, relative. You dont care to what it is relative, only just that it is relative and in relative terms to its own relativity.
3. Balls only bounce up and down perfectly in trains

Thought process example

Now taking into account the 3 definitions above we are able to apply them to a simple thought pattern. Imagine you are standing on a platform. A train goes by at almost the speed of light. Inside the train there is someone bouncing a ball, and inside the ball there is a light which is emitting light in each direction.

What do you see standing from the platform?

Well, you should expect to see the light from the ball as single ray of light. But because you are standing relatively to the person bouncing the ball, and because this ball is bouncing relatively to the train (which is moving relative to the speed of light, well, almost) then you only get a relative amount of light from the ball. You will therefore only be able to see half of the ball - and a different half in each directional bounce.

Its easy

It may also seem to you that the train is moving backwards in time and that the ball is bouncing only upwards. Do not worry about this phenomenon, its just because at speeds like this your retina cannot move quickly enough to see the “real” ball, and not Heisingberg’s Uncertain Balls (dont worry about this too much, just look at the photo and you’ll get it…). Einstein had the same problem and had to get himself fitted with special glasses to counter-balance this.

Now for practical usage…

If you have mastered the above - and Im sure you have - then why not try it out on some pratical everyday usages, such as:

• Popping balloons in order to kickstart your motorbike
• Jumping up and down on the spot (quite quickly - see above)  to power your central heating system
• Running through walls by first throwing your cat at the wall
• Slapping yourself with a sodden towel to speed up your digestive system (an excellent spin-off that one)

In oldey worldy Roman times, a goat would lick the soles of a naughty person’s feet which had been slathered in salt, thyme, honey and olive oil. This form of tickle torture was soon abolished when it was found that the concotion would make a great vinaigrette in roquette and mozarella salad. The ancient Mayans went one better, they would lick a goat to death and use its’ tongue as an offering to the food and cake god, Deliasmithuacatan.

Here at lobotoblog we often get our twists in a knicker and confuse our toddys with our todgers. Below are some fab punch lines, but we’ve forgotten the joke. Can you help out?

OK, have you got any cabbages?

I only said it could make mint tea…

She does, just not in the supermarket…

Good god Charles, put it away, it’s a penis…

What do you mean, Joan of Arc or what?

Another one bites the dust

News from the front goes from bad to worse.

Captain Tommy Carcetti is threatening to withdraw his divisions from the battlefield if reinforcements don’t arrive soon.

“My men are falling like flies, their plastic bases just don’t stand up in sand.” Captain Carcetti reports, “I’ve lost 3 supply hens to enemy ambushes, and one Ewok was torn to shreds by a T-Rex. We just can’t sustain these kinds of casualties.”

Latest reports are pessimistic to say the least. Troop and weapon resupply is not expected at all this year, given the current economic climate.

Captain Carcetti: “I was promised a new set of flights for my defunct darts, but now it looks like the only present I’ll be receiving is a second-hand box of Jenga. Still, at least my men will have something to cower behind.”

Having a lobotomy can make you go all wibbly-wobbly. You can start seeing different meanings to the most banal of things, such as nursery rhymes. Below are a few examples:

Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses,
And all the king’s men
Couldn’t be bothered

Hey diddle diddle
Hey diddle diddle,
Boddle and tribble
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
And wondered how the hell the cow could jump that high and that he must be on steroids.

Remember remember the fifth of November
Remember remember the fifth of November
Popadoms, measles and snot.
I see no reason why popadoms, measles
Should ever be forgot…

Read the rest of this rubbish »

Person 1 : “Excuse me”

Person 2 : “Yes”

Person 1: “Do you speak English?”

Person 2: “No, I’m sorry, I only speak Regents Street English”

Person 1: “Oh, great, I speak Old Kent Road Business English myself”

Person 2: “Again, I’m sorry, I don’t speak that dialect. I don’t understand you”

Person 1: “Never mind, good day to you”

Person 2 [to himself]: “Fucking tourists”

This Marmite spreads funny

Breakfasts are getting worse and worse. The coffee’s bitter, the milk’s sour, the cereal’s stale, and the butter’s rancid. How are you supposed to look forward to the most important meal of the day if there’s nothing decent on the menu to get your lazy arse out of bed?

The Lord sometimes works in mysterious ways, but there’s nothing strange about this nifty invention – the Holy Toaster. Looking for a reason to live? You’ll get an epiphany every time you smear marmalade over His beard.

What a load of rubbish that is.

How can you expect me to not trust something that I have never seen? And in any bloody case if I was to see a man with egg on his face would I be in a position to actually want to trust him anyway? How the hell did he get egg on his face in  the first place - and is this not more important than the need to trust him or not? I mean if he came running up to me in the street one day - egg on his face and all -  I wouldnt care about trusting him or not,  I’d be more bothered about WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS DOING WITH EGG ON HIS FACE.

I mean, he’d have egg on his face so there’s just no point in asking this anyway.

Load of rubbish.