Bored shitless on the Eurostar, bit thirsty like. Chugging along, knees squashed up, dude next to you playing air drums like Keith Moon getting tangoed. Look outside… flat, flat, flat. The frigging low countries. Nothing for it… Carriage 7: One of your finest Dooovals please bilingual bartender.

A cheeky sesh, throat all croaky from the schmoke. You get drawn Standard Liege in the Waste Of Space Bumhola League. Eyes glaze over. Mulch over to the kitchenette. A sweet botle of Duuuvel, please Mr. Fridge.

A toast to a couple of Duvels, any more and you’re toast.

Flemish barmaids lactate it

Chicken Noodle Mama

+

Tesco Value Papa

=

Bastard offspring :

Your honor, the defendant was suggestively licking and sucking on a large cylindrical object – quite clearly as a solicitation of the services he was prepared to exercise upon my very person in exchange for monies.  I therefore took it upon myself to stamp on his testicles – good and hard!

One for the boys

One for the girls

One for the kids

Then one for the house

One for the showers

One for the bloke who lives in Tarsus (under the grill)

One for the police

Photo credits

Élégance, control,  passion.  Say no more and ask for no less. Just admire.

OK ?

Verstehen?

Comprenez?

Being stuck in a Wicker Man
being stuck inside Britt Ekland

The Man with the Golden Penis
The woman with the Mercury vagina
living in the core of the sun
A properly made Gin and Tonic [lobotoblog comment : the referee let this one go as he quite simply had no time to react...]
butter fingers
Super adhesive goalie gloves
Berlin to Frankfurt Express [ouch!]
massive government investment in psychotherapy treatment for professional footballers, esp goalkeepers
crybaby americans
cheese eating surrender monkeys
Indiana jones’ host at the temple of doom [but not This chap]
A Cup of Tea
The milkman being involved in an horrific 40-car pile-up just outside your house
Princess Diana [see this video as to why]
MI6-trained greenfly hit squad
Spiderman
John Goodman
Heart coronary
This chap
the government minister about to announce legislation banning déjà vu from happening all over again getting eaten by a couple of tramps and his remains sold to a kebab van*
Worldwide chilli sauce shortage
Public use of police grade pepper spray on hot dogs
Gas Mask
The gas mask Bra
keeley hazell going bra shopping
Elena Marinova [oh my god]
Gravity
The Event Horizon
virtual particle pairs
engi mengi penga!*
Northern Leamington Spa
Asteroid Strike*
Massive underground bunker system
Walther PPK 7.65 mm pistol and some cyanide.
a full set of testicules
Football blatted at top speed

Titanium Cod Piece
Overfishing in the North Atlantic
hippy community on an island paradise [lobotoblog comment : what a gift of a set-up!]
discovering that said hippy community is in fact a bunch of pagans
Being stuck in a wicker man

Expert post-match analysis
A very strange game this one, and one that deserves some sort of analysis. All started very slowly with not much early excitement for the punters inside the packed stadium. We can see the usual blah blah blah predictable moves in the game opening (eg Britt Ekland) as the players were warming up and getting use to the somewhat slow pace.

All this was completely blown on its head when SS came in with an ingenious “Berlin to Frankfurt Express”. Shouts of “topicality foul!” or “too gruesome even for BG!” from other players were waved down by the referee. The crowd went wild. SS had brought the game right back to where it needed to be and from this point on it was all sweat, passion and pure BG technique to see who would be in the position to take the end game.

A possible over-use of trumps was ignored [or forgotten?] as now the game was alive and throbbing. An extremely rare use of the Double-return Heinrich Pullover was employed to great effect by SW [indeed, it had the entire stretford lane end stand reaching for their crotches] and then just a few turns later it was all over.
All in all a classic!

Venue: Telestadia

Participants: PE,SW,FL,JD,SS

Honorary Trump: Jennifer Love Hewitt [for obvious reasons]

hij heef een traptechniek à la bergkamp [lobotoblog comment : not an easy one to start with]
southern puftas
spiking a shandy
lead-lined stomach
colic
a good hammock drifting slowly to and fro in a gentle summer breeze
Hurricane Katrina
chinese weather manipulation missiles
strike by workers transporting rocket fuel [about the country]…
Margaret “God Bless her” Thatcher
an invasion of crows pecking out her corpse
bazooka
Israeli Coastguard
Ghost Whispering Cleavage * [lobotoblog comment : click here to see why this threw the game wide open and had all players reeling]
scopaesthesia
Naegleria fowleri
Fear of flying
Naively hitching a lift from Scaramanga [lobotoblog comment : one of the best ever moves in the history of the game?]

the Director’s Cut
packet of Silk Cut
A group of 12 year school kids behind the bike sheds
National legislation* requiring PhD level qualifications before you can play “doctor”
child geniuses with freaky big foreheads
A REALLY violent school bully
A sadistic headmaster and caning still legal
A copy of the yellow pages
scented toilet paper
industrial bidet
Shards of glass in the water [lobotoblog comment : oooooooh that's gotta hurt...]
anakin’s aneurysm
vodka in the eyeballs
Nuclear holocaust*
breakdown in causality physics

the AA
### GAME ABANDONED ###

photo credits

We dont even need to explain why.
A man who cant be bothered to do his own laces is a man who needs repudiating.
If ever anyone in slip-on shoes tries to sell you anything, just scarper.

shoe 1 my 2 buckle

Say it with a clenched fist and gritted teeth. Most effective if it is whispered agressively.

Not to be confused with some Soho marketing twat’s idea of cool ‘lads–pub-speak’.
The examples shown here and here should be taken out the back door and shot in the alley.

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